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MISSION PROFILE: Tactical autumn deployment system that brings the orchard to your shit-stained domicile without the Instagram-worthy pretense.
OPERATIONAL CAPABILITIES: Precision-engineered with ripe apple fragrance oil backed by heavy artillery of cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, orange, and cedarwood essential oils. Infiltrates every corner of your disaster zone with extreme prejudice.
TACTICAL ADVANTAGES: Smells like fall kicked down your door and fucked up everyone inside. Perfect for that S-3 office that reeks like a pile of ignored DA-638s and broken dreams, even though lighting it there violates every regulation in the book. Worth the Article 15.
DEPLOYMENT PARAMETERS: Burns for 50-60 hours—outlasting your attention span, motivation to rake leaves, and the last barracks room inspection you actually passed. Effective radius covers standard-issue apartment or that barracks room that somehow smells like a Bragg Boulevard stripper on work release.
WARNING: May cause unexpected compliments from visitors who previously avoided your living space due to biohazard concerns. Not responsible for creating false impressions of your actual hygiene standards or for the fire drill when you inevitably light it in a government building anyway.
ORCHARD OFFENSIVE: Because pumpkin spice if for pogues.
.: Materials: 100% natural soy wax blend, 100% cotton wick and a glass jar
.: One size: 2.8″ × 3.5" (7.1cm × 8.9cm)
.: Compliant with ASTM safety standards
.: Burning time: 50-60 hours
.: Glossy permanent adhesive label
.: Choose from nine different aromatic scents
.: Assembled in the USA from globally sourced parts
.: Please note: All scents have the same wax color
Orchard Offensive
$20.00