Santa's Claymore

This precision-engineered olfactory weapon deploys a directional blast of evergreen, cinnamon, and vanilla compounds with the warning "FRONT TOWARD CAROL SINGERS" clearly understood. Perfect for operators conducting deep cover as "functioning adults" during holiday interrogations.

Strategic deployment neutralizes evidence of your disaster zone apartment just minutes before parental inspection teams arrive. Like its namesake anti-personnel device, this candle creates an immediate area denial effect against judgment and criticism, creating the tactical deception that you've been baking cookies and decorating trees instead of living like a feral raccoon with a drinking problem.

Effective fragrance radius: 25 meters in enclosed spaces. Burns for 50+ hours—outlasting your patience for family gatherings and awkward questions about your relationship status. For maximum effectiveness, position toward the entry point of your dwelling to create an immediate sensory ambush upon breach.

Contains actual essential oils, unlike your essential life skills. When properly emplaced, this candle provides olfactory cover for all holiday-related failures, from unwrapped gifts to unvacuumed floors to that suspicious smell coming from your refrigerator.

For operators who understand that sometimes the most effective defense is a good offense. Because when the mission is convincing everyone you have your shit together during the holidays, Santa's Claymore is your first line of defense.